The Over-analysis of Jelly Babies

When people talk about Jelly Babies, they often discuss how terribly important and informative the way you eat them is.

Perhaps by eating the head first, you are being kind, and giving them a swift death. A limb-chomper may instead be considered sadistic, torturing the anthropomorphasised sweets. I find this all rather odd. To be able to tell what kind of person you are through your actions on the sweets would mean that there has to be some sort of relationship between the sweet and you to begin with.

Perhaps there was a falling out, an undercurrent of hate and mistrust. Perhaps you were overcharged in the shop, or perhaps you were disappointed that the bag was only half full when you opened it. It’s rather hard to believe that your relationship with the sweets goes much beyond this. It’s not a "you murdered my entire family, and now I will have my revenge!" type affair. Though the spin off TV series would be awesome.

D.C RiffRaff, a disgruntled cop, has an outstanding vendetta against the one criminal who he never caught; the one that never felt his cold justice. "Bigheart" Blackcurrant Jelly baby. Now its his last week in the force before his well deserved retirement, and he's got just one case left assigned to him. Someone murdered a young family on the West side, the MO...jelly overdose.

But perhaps I think that we're missing the point. Even if we anthropomorphise these sweeties to the point where they stand on par with our other relationships, we forget to take in to account what they would want. They have been put on the earth for just one reason. It is their goal, no their destiny to be eaten. To be enjoyed and to cause mild feeling of regret and nausea after eating an entire packet. To hate them, to really get at them, one only has to not eat them. Simply take them out of the packet, place on the edge of the table next to your bin and announce "You don't deserve to be eaten" and prod it off the end of the table to tumble into the bin. Make sure that as you do all this, the packet of Jelly Babies is open, so all the other ones can watch. Perhaps you could eat a bag of crisps in front of them too.

So next time some 2:2 psychology student asks you how you eat them, so that they can show off what they learnt in the last 5 months of full time education, just say: "I don't. I buy entire bags of them, then make sure they all watch whilst I throw them one after another into the nearest bin, laughing 'you're not good enough for my mouth, you sugary whores!' ... What's your analysis of that one Sigmund?"