Tuesday, 11 March 2008

5 minute challenge...

The main thing to remember is to be calm. And also to breath, but that's not something you normally have to remember. Its not like you are holding your breath, then get distracted by a moth, and then die.
So just remember the calm bit. Because if you get stressed and your heart rate goes above a preset limit, I'm going to fill your mouth with bees.
I'm not sure whether it is the fear of having bees in my mouth, or just the word bees that makes me laugh. I don't mean to laugh when I'm afraid, just that sometimes it helps me to relax.
Blabbering aside for a minute I would like to remind everyone that I've never pretended for a second that this blog is for anyone except myself. You are trespassing on my stupidity, so I'll do you a deal, I won't mention this if you don't. But instead of my usual tightly written, sharply witted spirited knocks at the normal, today I have just set myself a challenge: To write for 5 minutes without stopping to think about what I'm going to write next. So please take this moment in this entry to be like a roller coaster, just at the beginning with the slow ascent and clunky chains, pretending to the person next to you that you're so bored that you might fall asleep and wake up only to realise that you're upside down 30 seconds later.
This whole rant came about because of a rather long winded dual sided rant that occurred last thursday/tuesday evening (see I haven't even stopped to recollect properly), I ended up in a very weird situation that involved talking to a friend about nothing, and we instinctively knew that the most entertaining thing to do was not to stop and allow the conversation to start on a new tangent, but to continue and expand on the crap we were currently talking about with more and more ridiculous things. The others standing around listening were all there in rather stunned silence. Half entertained, half wondering if we were ever going to shut the f$$$ up. And of course eventually we did, but not before a good 5-10 minutes of blabbering about anything inconsequential that fell into our heads as we chatted. And when we were done we sat rather out of breath and smiling. Rather like.......um....sports. yes wholesome sports. Like two grown men battling tongues and wrestling in unusual positions and in the end feeling like we had accomplished something worthwhile, but with a rather hollow feeling, like we had let down those close to us....just like sports.

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Dr. Pocolypse makes a business trip

Opening scene. View from door looking in to a small office. Door opens without seeing who opens it. Man in the room looks up from his desk.

Employee: ah, you must be my 10 o'clock. Welcome to countocorp.
Customer: (In russian accent) thank you. (sits down in to shot to reveal classic 60's bond villain attire).
E: sorry to keep you waiting, would you like a drink? Tea? Coffee?
C: Ah, oh um coffee please.
E: How about a biscuit? We have bourbons or ginger nuts
C: (pauses and then speaks whilst raising eyebrow) I'll have (camera zooms in) ginger nuts.
E: Ok, lovely. Now I understand that you would like one of countocorps talking clock packages for you office. Is it an office?
C: Well....sort of. More of a.....bunker.
E: Oh! lovely. And I understand that you would like some bespoke features. Normally we just to a (jesticulates) "at the beep the time will be..".
C: Yes, that is of no use to me. I need it to count (another slow zoom in), down?
E: Ok a countdown, lovely. Well we pride ourselves here on friendly voiced announcements of times and events over phones or tannoys.
c: Friendly? hmm...I want something more monotonal, more backgroundish.
E: I see.
C: Yes, I was thinking more like "2 minutes to self destruction and counting".
E: Ah, yes that brings me on to my other query. I've been looking through some of the statements you would like us to record for your business. (gets out list), lets see...yes.. warning...nuclear storage facility compramised.. and also danger...building self destruct in 30 seconds. What....business are you in?
C: I am....in....zoos.
E: ...zoos?
C: Yes, I look after a zoo. Very dangerous zoo. For viruses.
E: A....virus zoo.
C: ...Yes. Very dangerous, needs self desctruct buttons.
E: And sharks?
C: Oh, yes, my precious sharks.
E: And that's why you need the..(consults the sheet again)..."warning...stand clear of shark trap doors"
C: mm...most important.
E: Right, and as far as the countdown goes, would you like it to just say the warning once and then just say times?
C: no,no,no. It must constantly repeat the same warning message along with the time left.
E: And you aren't worried that this will become annoying and take up so much time that it makes it hard to know how much time you've got left?
C: No
E: Even on this one? "10 minutes remain until nuclear spore thermo shield catastrophic failiure causing shuttle hull depressurisation"?
C: Actually no, I rather like that one. And, well I'll never have to hear it.
E: And why is that?
C: Because this time, there is no way that I can fail!
E: Right, so you've failed before?
C: Yes but, this time will be different. This time I have armed guards posted around the nuclear spore thermo shield self destruct button.
E: o...kay. Well, not for me to judge!
C: ...what
E: No nothing. Well it just seems like .... no, nothing.
C: Good
E: Now, payment, I understand that you would like to pay a deposit now.
C: Yes, the rest will come from when my corporation receives a very large sum of money in a couple of weeks from the world's governments.
E: For your zoo
C: Oh...yes...big donation. They really fea...respect my zoo.