Thursday, 26 July 2007

Statistics and the Lambubance service

Now I like to think that just because I'm writing on the Interweb, it doesn't make me a over-opinionated, belligerent know-it-all who thinks everyone needs to hear my views over everyone else’s.

Having said that, I will now have my 2 cents worth. Its regarding the BBC's recent news story about how obesity is "Contagious". I like to make my opinion here known. No it f%%%%ng isn't.

Their argument is as follows: Statistics show that "Having a friend, sibling or spouse who is overweight raises a person's risk of being obese too". " the risk was increased by 57% if a friend was obese, by 40% if a sibling was and 37% if a spouse was." They are actually suggesting that because you spend a lot of time near fat people, you begin to mimic their lifestyle so you end up fat yourself. look at a fatty, and think "hmmm.....they are pretty cool. I'm going to try and be like them by stopping exercise and eating fatty foods."

Brilliant. Thank you US researchers. You've clearly been brought up on the school of statistics prove whatever you set out to prove. Lets just ignore the other principles like common sense.

They must be the same people who fear travelling in ambulances because you are statistically more likely to die in one.

Perhaps, just perhaps its because fat people like to be around fat people because they feel more comfortable. Or because they can't date any thin, athletic people because the thin people might start vomiting when they look at them.

No, clearly the only answer is that obesity is a deadly disease, thus absolving all fat people from any responsibility. "I'm only fat because my friends are." So get some new friends tubby. Just not me.

Speaking of ambulances (I think I was a little time ago), I've come up with a new, cheaper option to the emergency services. Just dial 998 and you get the b rate emergency services. They may not have all the training that you might need to be a paramedic, or an IQ over 40, but what they lack in basic safety they make up for with determination, big hearts and really big hacksaws.

Just imagine, you in a big car accident but you can't get through to the 999 services because their too busy helping soggy northerners get their trackies off of their washing line made up of stolen car parts. Instead just dial 998. In a flash comes the lopice and lambubance, with fully staffed "special" crew. They'll have you out of that burning car in a jiffy, just as soon as Steve stops crying because he got too near the fire.

Friday, 13 July 2007

A sad day for average IQers

I like to think of myself as a person with good common sense, plus a firm understanding of mathematics and applied logic. This has all been proved false this week. By a tap.

It’s the tap in one of the toilets in my office complex. So that you may share in my frustration and mental misery, I will try to outline the issue:

The sink has one tap. It has one spout. At the top of the spout is a handle that sticks out 3 inches perpendicular to the vertical. When there is no running water, the handle is parallel to the back wall on the right. Diagram of top down and front view is below.

Now the problem is this. How do you get hot water from it?

A simple question. But the clues just don’t add up. The suggestion given by the weird red and blue crescent moon is that the hot water is around to the left. But alas no. Instead using the handle and turning in a clockwise motion only affects the power at which the cold water comes out.

Maybe there is a second control to this device. Again you’d be wrong! The handle only moves laterally, there are no other controls.

So here I arrived at my logical conclusion. There was no hot water, and the tap graphic was just some kind of logo. How wrong I was….

This state of happy ignorance was shattered when I wondered in to the toilet today and found the handle of the tap ON THE LEFT. And there was no water coming out. NONE!!! Every time I had tried to move the handle to the left in the past, the water just sprayed out harder and harder until I had to stop because it was soaking my trousers. Not a great look for a person coming out of a toilet. Now every time I move the tap around from its new position, I get soaked by hot water.

So my loyal readers, I have to admit my stupidity here. If you can think of a solution then please write in. Because I’m starting to feel like I never passed any of my exams and they were all just given to me because everyone else felt a bit sorry for me.