Tuesday, 29 May 2007

Why Sean Bean is awesome

Sean Bean (to be pronounced seen been, or shawn bawn because you're not allowed both), dies in pretty much everything he has ever been in. There is one exception to this.

I can remember a little about "Sharpe" as a kid. Apart from the fact that he looked great in a brit-mullet, he was the only bloke with any common sense in the entire British army.

I only remember one episode well, but I think it can be applied to EVERY other episode. Sharpe and his band of "cross-section" brits come to a new area, apparently without any real orders or purpose. Deciding that the best course of action is to P**s off whoever is the highest rank in the area, Sharpe promptly sleeps with the General's wife (presumably by wooing her with his mullet).

The next day Sharpe forms line with the General's oh-so-green troops, including at least one 15 year old ready to demonstrate the futility of war by looking like he might make it, idolising Sharpe, and then getting shot in slow motion.

The General is, of course VERY English. Blue blooded, obnoxious, stiff upper lipped southerner with a complete disregard for everything and everyone. He is in charge of a bunch of soldiers that "Daddy" gave him to play with. During his 20 minute orientation to modern battle tactics that came free with his royal sugar puffs, he was taught to:

i) Form lines against cavalry.
ii) Show complete impatience.
iii) March his troops into narrow gorges, dense forest and dead ends.
iv) Completely ignore Sharpe and all other subordinates. Especially if they offering sound military tactics.

And so Sharp, watching the young, innocent infantry getting massacred, shouts "bluhdee ell luds, coom on!" (my impression of his northern accent), and runs in to save the day with as much bravado, invulnerability and coolness as possible. Though obviously not before the kid dies, proving that war is not nice.

Thursday, 17 May 2007

As I have not added any superheroes on this page for awhile, I thought I’d blitz it and add as many poorly thought through characters as possible. Thanks to pops for some of these suggestions:

Captain Interesting - with the power of keeping people amused with small talk for several minutes.

Wonder girl - The ability to wonder about things.

Spider solitaire man - Can complete any game of spider solitaire in just 5 or less.

A-road boy - Can harness the power of A roads to drive to locations without the use of a motorway

Slough woman - Can harness the secret necromancing powers of the city of Slough

Emo-kid - Can drag everyone around him down in to a pit of apathy and mild depression by constantly reminding everyone that we're all worthless ants.

The chav hive - A powerful hive mind that can harness chavs and place them into a zombie like state to do its bidding (which normally involves hanging outside of alldays and bothering people).

Boy Racer boy - has the power to speed but only if being followed by a police Car through reading being filmed for the next series of Police Camera action

Side kick man – who every week has a new but usless sidekick

Powerpoint Man – who puts people to sleep with excessively long and pointless power point presentations, (normally found in Microsoft)

Wednesday, 9 May 2007

Arty bits

After playing around for a rather long time in my "free time", I've come up with a little app that takes images and screws around with them. One thing it can do is turn them in to pop art. Below is a few of the results:

Tuesday, 8 May 2007

Top Film Ruiners

I one day hope to publish these ideas in a little book that you can buy people you don't like. After reading it, they won't be able to enjoy another film again.

It was inspired by the large number of films that seem to have an otherwise lacklustre premise and boring first 3/4 of a file rescued by a completely unpredictable "Deus Ex Machina" solution that neatly resolves the whole thing and makes everyone go "ahhhhhhhhh...". I really don't like them, and so I propose to write a book that will include all of them, thus ruining them for all who read this.

A quick caveat, not all the films listed here are awful, far from it in fact. But given that I am a malicious bastard, I feel that given that you are going to give this book to someone you don’t like; ruining a good film for them is perfectly justified.

A little extra comment for the genius who designed the Planet of the Apes box cover.....don't you think that it is worth HIDING the Statue of Liberty until the end of the film, and not plastering it over the front cover??? Muppet.

Included in the book is the following "Quiz" section:

What films?

  • He is his dad.
  • He was a ghost the whole time.
  • Its made out of humans
  • He is Tyler Durton
  • They all did it
  • Its not Dean Keaton, its Verbal Kint.
  • They are on Earth the whole time

If you can think of any more, please add them to the Comments section below.

Friday, 4 May 2007

A better crisp?

All of the worlds problems, all of its failings and flaws, can be summed up in one single issue. My bugbear. The "full" packet of Doritos.

I can't figure out whether when I was young, it was just that my hands were smaller, or the packets were smaller, or there was just more crisps in the packet, but I remember the crisps used to touch the top of the packet when you opened it. You used to be able to buy a packet of crisps and receive for your 2 and thrupenny-half tuppence a bag of crisps.

I think a better name these days is "a bag with crisps". Try it the next time you are in a bar. "I'll have a bag with crisps please". Obviously name which type of crisps you want as part of that statement. I have left my quote unspecific because with all of the many thousands of you that read this page, I might somehow tip the crisp market as a result of all you guys going, "Hey yeah, I haven't had XXXX in ages. Mmmmmm......XXXX". Now as a result of that particular statement, no doubt some of you are now hankering for a pint of 4 X. And there maybe a few of you now thinking about porn (a statistically reliable statement at the best of times).

So you get your bag of crisps and open it. This is where the marketing companies just stop caring. You have parted with you hard earned shillings and now they couldn't care less what you thought of them. Perhaps we should have all crisp packets made out of transparent plastic, and hung up on a crisp appreciation board to allow for comparison. In this situation you might realise. "Hey! There's sod all crisps in that!" But we don't. We look at the gargantuan bags with bright colours and made up flavours ("Tangy cheese"? I always know Doritos by "Orange" and "Blue" flavour), and select them based on how we remember one crisp tasting.

I think that the main reason behind the oversizing of bags, apart from to make them look like they could satisfy us more (which they never, ever do), is to protect the crisps. Yeah right. There is no way of protecting crisps, short of making the packets rigid, or making the crisps out of polystyrene (ie Monster Munch). There is always the crisp post-apocalypse at the bottom of every packet. A wasteland where the remaining, crippled crisp-ettes shelter in the corners.

So we come to my new invention. Its the reinforced crisp packet. I take my inspiration from staring up at a training hall recently. Its roof structure was a lattice of struts. Now I didn't immediately think, "Hey what a great storage area for crisps", but instead I saw the crisps this morning and think "That needs some roofing struts".

Imagine it. Bags of crisps, full, to the brim, with every one of them perfect. It may cost a little more per bag, but who wouldn't want to part with an extra Half crown hapen-shilling for this satisfaction?

Wednesday, 2 May 2007

Things about May that you never knew, and weren't about to ask:

1. May comes from the French Ma'ae, which means to warm with sunlight

2. May was originally the 3rd month in the western calendar, but people found that Christmas kept getting shifted by about 60 days a year and no one liked to have Christmas in warm weather. Those that did decided to build a massive ark and drove it to Australia.

3. May is made famous by the May pole. This originally was made out of a massive dead tree that stood next to the tower of London. Manned around the clock by children, they danced using 700ft long strips of cloth, weaving until they reached the May Pole. This signified the first day of May. From here, they would take off the knitted pole cover and begin again on their 365 day dance. The fully formed silk cocoons were used to bury the children in who had died during its creation.

4. May is the first month of the year in which wearing sandals does not make you look gay.

5. It is illegal for British weathermen to use the word "gusty" or "dingy" in weather reports that relate to May. This was originally a law created in war-time to help boost the morale by pretending it had better weather than Nazzis.

6. Yam is the only anagram of may. Though Jam can rhyme with it.

7. The May Yam Jam experience was an experimental Jazz/folk group in the 1960s.

8. Robert de Niro, Shane Ritchie and the King of Norway all have their birthdays in May.

9. The official colour for May is Moonslip Pink.

10.May was the first month that the English national anthem was released to the public in 1812. Before this, people were only allowed to hum the anthem or pay a fine.