Wednesday, 31 January 2007

State the obvious man Vs. Poorly-Formed-Analogies girl

This week's adventure of STATE THE OBVIOUS MAN!!!

Last week saw me battle the evil multiple personalities boy, whose personalities almost caused a deadly nuclear attack. If it wasn't for my quick thinking, and ability to state the obvious swiftly and with as much tedium as possible, multiple personality boy could have caused a deadly nuclear attack (which is something I have already stated towards the top of the paragraph that you are currently reading, but just about to finish reading).

No sooner had I got back and started to wash my superhero costume so that it would be clean, than I got an important emergency message through my IEM machine (Important Emergency Message machine, which sends me any messages that are both important and emergent....emergenic....emergence-like).

It looked like Poorly-Formed-Analogies girl had decided to create an unstoppable avalanche that would surely crush the good people of new-Southampton unless it was stopped, or if she failed to start it, or if she did start it but it turned out to be entirely stoppable, or if I managed to get on a long and arduous rant that went nowhere, thus boring her to death (like this one).

And so with only half of my costume cleaned (it takes an hour to wash my costume and I only had thirty minutes, which is exactly half an hour), I raced off to the mountains where the snow was.

"You're later than an athlete that had taken a taxi with three wheels and the fourth wheel was made out of a viscous substance to the stadium!" cried poorly formed analogies girl on my arrival to the mountain with the snow and Poorly Formed Analogies girl on it.

"Yes I know", I replied, "I wanted to wash my costume but that takes an hour and I only had thirty minutes to wash it. Thus my costume is only half clean due to the 1:2 ratio between time I needed and time I had. But how did you know that I was coming?"

"Because I was the one that called it in! You are now in my trap!". A wicked cackle left her mouth, as a result of her expelling air over equally wicked voice box. "You're as gullible as a farmer told that Japanese steal production is due to double, and then goes out buying futures in the stock, but doesn't realise that the person telling them this information is a blue bicycle!".

I stopped for a second, paralysed by her incredible super-power. It was as though the analogy was so hopelessly flawed as to have my mind stuck in a loop that I could not break free from. Do farmers buy futures? Is Japanese steal a more gullible purchase than regular steel? Why was the bicycle blue? Why can't I now get the image of a Japanese farmer riding a blue bicycle over some train tracks?!

The next thing I knew, I was bound to a giant snowball. During my smorgasbord of questioning, she must have collected up a large amount of snow, grouped it into a ball, and then tied me to it.

"Next stop, New-Southampton!!!". Poorly formed analogies girl stood uphill from me with her foot poised to kick me down the mountain to the town below (which was New-Southampton).

"Wait just one second!" I announced. "Just how do you intend to kill me?"

Poorly formed analogies girl froze for a second. "'t expect me to.....state...something....obvious....!!!". Poorly formed analogies girl had got stuck in a desperate attempt not to imitate the person she was about to kill (me).

Just then, Contrived-Ending man appeared as if from nowhere and saved the day.

Tuesday, 30 January 2007

Sundial for the 21st century?

New invention!

It remains to be seen whether I can produce this one, especially if I want to scale it down to a usable size; but without further ado, I give you the sundial watch.

For a long time now, sundials have been largely redundant in the world of time telling, and have been relegated to ornamental gardens where they are used largely for decoration. This ornamental charm of the sundial (and looking at a number of pretentious watch adverts), is what inspired me to dream this invention.

Obviously a sundial watch is largely useless, especially in cloudy England, or at night. So instead an artificial sun is required. This will be accomplished by adding a rotating LED to the sundial, so as to bring about a 24 hour shadow.

The desired result will look as follows:

The plan is to take apart a (rather large) watch face, mount the LED on the hour hand, place on a new facia and add the gnomon.

Monday, 29 January 2007

Introducing state the obvious man!

Villains shake in terror! terrorists, your villainous days are at an end! A new saviour inhabits these rotten streets....


.....State the Obvious Man!

With my miraculous powers to state what is clear to everyone already from over 25 feet away! That's more than 20 feet away!

Thieves and murderers will be forced to cower and stop their thieving and murdering (the murdering will be stopped by the murderers and its the thieves that will stop stealing things, not the other way around). Stealing is a synonym for thieving. Synonym is another word for "another word for". But now it just sounds like I'm repeating myself, which is not my super power at all. That honour goes to repetition man. Who can repeat things he has already said with incredible accuracy!

But I digress; as my power is stating the obvious, hence the name...... STATE THE OBVIOUS MAN!!!

My reign of justice (not to be confused with rain of justice, which would refer to judicial precipitation), has already begun, and I have already battled with the evil and foul tyrannous Multiple Personality Man! Whose many personalities are each more evil that the last! Except for the last one, which inevitably must be the worse one and therefore makes the first personality the least evil, and relatively nice. Of course this would require some kind of linear rating gun that could be fired in to his head and take abstract beings and give them multiple dimensions with which they could be organised in to a rating of nicest to most evil personalities. Which, luckily is what I brought with me! And with my "Gun -that -lines -up -someones -many -personalities -into -a -viewable -line -of -ranked -personalities -starting -with -the -nicest" (I named the gun myself), it wasn't long before multiple personalities man had all of his personalities given multiple dimensions and lined up according to how good or evil they were.
"How could you do this to me/us?"
"Easily" I retorted, "I simply used the Gun -that -lines -up -someones -many -personalities -into -a -viewable -line -of -ranked -personalities -starting -with -the -nicest to rank your personalities in a line starting with the nicest after making them viewable!
"Yes I got that from the first part of your monologue! Why did you bother continuing?!" Screamed 12 of his innumerable selves almost simultaneously (at the same time).
"Because I'm STATE THE OBVIOUS MAN!" I bellowed back at him, so as to answer his many identical questions.

37 of his personalities exploded on hearing my reply. It was as if my reply had caused over 30 (though less than 40) of his personalities to explode from hearing my reply regarding my name (which is state the obvious man).

Screaming and in terror, multiple personality man fled the as yet un-described location, leaving the nuclear missiles un-launched, and safe for another day.

Sunday, 28 January 2007


Hi all. Welcome to the blog.

I'll try and post as many bad ideas on here as possible, so as to stop me from needing to try and explain them in person. This should help me stop looking wierd/nerdy/creepy in public as much.

Please stay tuned; I'll update soon