Back when I had a lot of free time, I used to write online games. In an attempt to inspire myself to write a new one, I've written a little program that comes up with a randomly generated game title.
Here are a few of the highlights:
A watch that stopped time, and allowed you to move through it all as if everyone in the world was doing their utmost to look like a statue would seem like a goldmine for miss-behaviour. Stealing sweets in shops, taking a wander through military structures, putting buckets of water over peoples' heads. Not to mention that you could carry out the world's biggest bank job over the course of about a day, and it would look like everything just disappears.
But it is around here that I think the problems start. Poor old Bernard, using his watch for maybe 6 hours a day (6 hours for him at least), would have lived 6 hours longer than anyone else did that day. That's 25%. So when his friends of the same birth year are all celebrating their 12th birthday, poor old Bernard will look suspiciously like he's 15. And when he should be 50, he'll be looking more like 62. Poor kid.
But with this particular logical can-of-worms comes a much larger and immediate danger for Bernard other than just his rapid aging. I don't like to use detailed logic to belittle what is essentially a program to make kids imagine possibilities and then have them undermined by the authors strict opinions on morals. In this case though I feel that they have brought this upon themselves.
In one episode, Bernard gets asked a tricky maths question. Bernard clicks his trusty watch and wanders over to a fortunately placed calculator. But oh-no! He can't use it when he's frozen time because it takes time for electrons to move! ELECTRONS?! I think they maybe have selectively ignored a rather large chunk of science. Is the author suggesting that everything stops down to a sub-atomic level? Surely he realises that this would mean that molecules would stop moving and therefore instantly reach absolute zero? Poor old Bernard takes one click of his watch and instantly dies of the environment freezing around him.
But from this gargantuan breach of the first law of thermodynamics, or perhaps a creation of a new type of "potential energy" that the watch stores, making it the single greatest battery in existence, capable of storing the entire universe's energy and transferring it out instantaneously without transmitting it through anything else, there comes another problem.
If all molecules stop moving, then pressure would instantly drop to zero atmospheres of pressure. There would be no energy in particles, so all bonds break, all solids become gasses instantly and who knows how this would affect gravity?
So in summary, Bernard gets told about this watch, gets very excited about all the things he can nick, or just the skirts that he can look up and clicks the watch. All surroundings suddenly stop moving. "Wow" Bernard thinks "its work..." at this point he stops as his entire body has all of its heat sucked out through whatever he is in contact with. This is luckily short lived, as he is then subjected to complete loss of pressure and his entire body is blown apart into a gaseous substance. We can only assume that the watch somehow survives by its design, and so the entire universe stops and all energy is held in a tiny pocket watch, surrounded by a shroud of gas in a completely dark universe.
Not so funny now is it Bernard?
Geography Exam
SUMMER 2004
4 hours
REQUIRED – 256 pencils, ruler, answer sheet, chocolate
OPTIONAL - Calculators, text books, mobile phones and parents may all be used.
SECTION A
Answer any questions you feel like. Questions left blank will be given the benefit of the doubt and given full marks.
QUESTION 1
What is wrong with this image?
a) It has
b) There is no water between
c) The colours are incorrect.
d) This area has been selected for the establishment of a maximum security prison for 1000 inmates. This will require an approximate area of one square kilometre (100 hectares) and the employment of 250 staff and service personnel living in nearby settlements. Three locations have been identified as possible sites for development. Refer to these as Site 1 [GR270513], Site 2 [GR305485] and Site 3 [GR335516].
e) Nothing, I think that the notion of right and wrong is never objective and given such proves that the assumptions that you have on this subject are purely subjective. We must remember that all perceptions are merely actors on a stage and that only the stage itself is persistent. The basis of all reasoning is the mind’s awareness of itself.
QUESTION 2
What colour is missing from the official ASIRL (UK) guide primary mark II alpha pencil set shown below (Assuming that European Geographical statute c1995 par. 5 was still in effect)?
(pencils not actual scale)
QUESTION 3
The below image is not an actual photo. Given that you know the location, what do you think has been added? Those who have not been to
-There is no volcanic activity around
Those who are aware of
a)
b) The time is not 3:40pm
c) It wasn’t cloudy when the photo was taken.
d) Big Ben is on a 1 in 3 incline, and is therefore impossible for it to exist in real life
e) Onion peel weathering
f) There is no volcanic activity around
Sean Bean (to be pronounced seen been, or shawn bawn because you're not allowed both), dies in pretty much everything he has ever been in. There is one exception to this.
I can remember a little about "Sharpe" as a kid. Apart from the fact that he looked great in a brit-mullet, he was the only bloke with any common sense in the entire British army.
I only remember one episode well, but I think it can be applied to EVERY other episode. Sharpe and his band of "cross-section" brits come to a new area, apparently without any real orders or purpose. Deciding that the best course of action is to P**s off whoever is the highest rank in the area, Sharpe promptly sleeps with the General's wife (presumably by wooing her with his mullet).
The next day Sharpe forms line with the General's oh-so-green troops, including at least one 15 year old ready to demonstrate the futility of war by looking like he might make it, idolising Sharpe, and then getting shot in slow motion.
The General is, of course VERY English. Blue blooded, obnoxious, stiff upper lipped southerner with a complete disregard for everything and everyone. He is in charge of a bunch of soldiers that "Daddy" gave him to play with. During his 20 minute orientation to modern battle tactics that came free with his royal sugar puffs, he was taught to:
i) Form lines against cavalry.
ii) Show complete impatience.
iii) March his troops into narrow gorges, dense forest and dead ends.
iv) Completely ignore Sharpe and all other subordinates. Especially if they offering sound military tactics.
And so Sharp, watching the young, innocent infantry getting massacred, shouts "bluhdee ell luds, coom on!" (my impression of his northern accent), and runs in to save the day with as much bravado, invulnerability and coolness as possible. Though obviously not before the kid dies, proving that war is not nice.
As I have not added any superheroes on this page for awhile, I thought I’d blitz it and add as many poorly thought through characters as possible. Thanks to pops for some of these suggestions:
Captain Interesting - with the power of keeping people amused with small talk for several minutes.
Wonder girl - The ability to wonder about things.
Spider solitaire man - Can complete any game of spider solitaire in just 5 or less.
A-road boy - Can harness the power of A roads to drive to locations without the use of a motorway
Slough woman - Can harness the secret necromancing powers of the city of
Emo-kid - Can drag everyone around him down in to a pit of apathy and mild depression by constantly reminding everyone that we're all worthless ants.
The chav hive - A powerful hive mind that can harness chavs and place them into a zombie like state to do its bidding (which normally involves hanging outside of alldays and bothering people).
Boy Racer boy - has the power to speed but only if being followed by a police Car through reading being filmed for the next series of Police Camera action
Side kick man – who every week has a new but usless sidekick
Powerpoint Man – who puts people to sleep with excessively long and pointless power point presentations, (normally found in Microsoft)
After playing around for a rather long time in my "free time", I've come up with a little app that takes images and screws around with them. One thing it can do is turn them in to pop art. Below is a few of the results:
I one day hope to publish these ideas in a little book that you can buy people you don't like. After reading it, they won't be able to enjoy another film again.
It was inspired by the large number of films that seem to have an otherwise lacklustre premise and boring first 3/4 of a file rescued by a completely unpredictable "Deus Ex Machina" solution that neatly resolves the whole thing and makes everyone go "ahhhhhhhhh...". I really don't like them, and so I propose to write a book that will include all of them, thus ruining them for all who read this.
A quick caveat, not all the films listed here are awful, far from it in fact. But given that I am a malicious bastard, I feel that given that you are going to give this book to someone you don’t like; ruining a good film for them is perfectly justified.
A little extra comment for the genius who designed the Planet of the Apes box cover.....don't you think that it is worth HIDING the Statue of Liberty until the end of the film, and not plastering it over the front cover??? Muppet.
Included in the book is the following "Quiz" section:
What films?
If you can think of any more, please add them to the Comments section below.
