Coffee. Who was the first person to drink it and why? A contribution

Thank you Big Dave for this one (no that is not Big Dave above, that's my adopted father, drinking joe out of a jar. Go Pops!).

Back before captain Scott went outside for some time, captain Rott discovered the brown bean we know today as coffee. Known back then as brown god’s testies, they provided him sustenance during the long nights circling the south reading ring road (Obviously he was also famous for his complete lack of explorer’s guts, but was the first man to discover slough).

He stumbled across the beans when he was passing a local star bucks and ate from the little “taster trough”, and decided these were indeed amazing. From here on his travels he ate the beans (he stole his supplies from different cafes, never visiting the same one twice in one week).

It wasn’t until three years later that his son Scrott Rott, made the first cup of “joe”. He came across it when he was making instant noodles in a pan of boiling water tripped on some of his father leavings. By this point the captain Rott was horribly addicted to what he now called brown dark mistresses of glorification and gurning fun, and was in turn trying to hide the beans around the house but often left them strewn across the floor and in the path of any unwary on comers.

Scrott slipped on the beans and in a mad turn of events that followed. The beans being crushed by his foot flew into a coffee cup (which is ironic as the drink was named after the cup) and the noodles blinded the poor boy whilst the boiling water splashed into the cup making the drink we know and love today…which is strange as it wasn’t instant.

As a side note starbucks was not actually a coffee house at the time just a shop where people looked trendy and cool and looked at weird looking beans and scoffed at those less fortunate.