Friday, 7 December 2007

Summerset call support line staff guide

This paper message is for all summerset staff to try and read. If you are unable to read, ask a member of management to provide a pictionary version.

This guide is for the talk-box 2.1 It comprises of 2x lead talk-boxes, and connected by 1 hemp rope (blessed in virgin tears 1.1). It is the latest in talk technology. Please note that although the phrase "technology" is a devil word, it is only used here to scare off evil imps from trying to eat this page.

This is written so that members of the support staff for talk-box inc. know how to answer questions from talk-box users. The questions must relate to talk-box products. If they refer to other issues (like "my 3 cows have eaten my badgers"), then please say the following line:

"well its all fronty like a wheelbarrow. Go and see Pete down at the crown and gate, he'll tell you all bout it."

Common questions:
1. Q.My talk-box has gone quiet.
A.Make sure the string hasn't gone slack between your talk-box and your talk-partner's.
A.If it is been raining, or you are in a river, then the string is wet. Pray to the pagan god of drying for 30 minutes, and try again.
A. Your talk-partner has died. They may have been a witch, or their sole might be trapped in the string. Push the string into the dead body, and set fire to it.

2. Q.The wife won't stop using the talk-box.
A.Put her in the lake outside of John's farm. If she floats, then she is a witch, and should be burnt along with the talk-box that she was using to communicate her devil voice, and anyone that she talked to.

3. Q.There is a voice coming through my talk-box. Is it the devil?
A.No. It is the gods carrying the voice of the other speaker through the blessed strings. However, if the voice is of a woman, then they are a witch, and should be burnt, because gods don't like women.

4. Q.How do I upgrade to get better range?
A.You need the stringbit-2000. It's about 30" long, and is just 7 half hape-crown shillings, (at current exchange rates that's 2 sheep).

5. Q.Does it use electricality?
A.No. It is approved to be used in Sommerset, so is free from electicals, plastic and reflective surfaces.

6. Q.How do I upgrade to get better quality signal?
A.You need to get a bigger talk-box tin can. The best is the Macro 5lb tomatoes tin which is sold for 6 and a half penny-shillings (or 2 and 1/3 cats).

7. Q.I keep hearing the devil whispering down my talk-box.
A.You have devils in your head. You will need to drain the skull of evil by drilling a 1/6" hole in your head using a narrow rock.

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